Too Much

The weight of everything is too much. This year brought many challenges, but I did my best to solve them with a hopeful spirit. Winter was hard. Work didn’t come in nearly enough to make my bills, so I used credit cards where I had to and the bank where I was able to. By the end, I maxed out my credit cards. Wasn’t able to pay taxes so I filed for an extension for the first time. I thought my hardest years would be left behind in NY. But there’s always something new to show me I won’t feel the sense of security I used to have before Covid. I can’t help but feel that there’s an invisible force working against me. Before winter ended, I was scammed over the phone and my personal information was leaked on the internet. I spent a couple of months doing the run around with debit and credit cards that had fraudulent charges on them. My banks reimbursed me, but it was never immediate and it really caused a struggle. It quieted down for a couple of months, and then I was scammed again by someone claiming to be from my bank informing me of an other fraudulent charge. I thought “oh, this again. I know what to do. Cancel the card and order a new one.” But the way they scammed me was by asking to screen share so they could walk me through how to find where my card was being used online. Screen sharing is something I’ve been asked to do through something like this before, so I didn’t think I was risking anything. I made a joke, “how do I know you’re not scamming me?” He laughed and said he gets asked that all the time and he was here to help. $2500 was taken from me the next morning. The banks don’t respond so quickly to such large sums, especially when this is a pattern now. At that time, I had been waiting for a client to pay me almost that same amount, waiting on my next grocery run, and I was holding my breath for two weeks cause they weren’t ready to pay, I guess. So, when the check finally came in the mail, I felt like I could breathe again. Literally one day after it cleared in my account, $2500 was taken from me and put me in the negatives.

I have since put a credit freeze on Trans Union, Equifax, and Experian. But I still get about 5-10 voicemails a week about personal loan inquiries, not made by me. Last summer, my ac compressor in my van blew, for the second time since I bought it in 2018. It cost me $2k for a new one the first time. I debated fixing it for a second time and had it on my mind to get a new vehicle this year instead. None of that is going to happen. I drove in the summer heat as little as possible, but spent a lot of time with sweaty clothes sticking to my body in air that felt soul-sucking to get to work and home. I’ve been paying large monthly bills to try and get my credit cards back in good standing, but interest rates make that really fucking difficult. 

About three weeks ago, I was eating dinner and a piece of my tooth broke off. I had a root canal about 8 years ago and never ended up getting a crown for it. I knew the risk of waiting, but I’ve spent the better part of the last 8 years without health insurance. It seemed fine until it wasn’t. I asked someone for a referral to a local dentist who doesn’t need insurance for patients. Got connected, booked an appointment, and found that a wisdom tooth was impacting the root canal tooth. My root canal tooth doesn’t need attention, it’s in good enough shape to crown it. They recommended extracting the wisdom tooth first. So, I booked an appointment for the extraction to be on September 3rd. $445. I was just starting to be able to put money back into savings while having a little cushion. My cushion was spent on the extraction, but that didn’t seem like a big setback. The crown will clean out my savings, though, if I book it soon as recommended.

The extraction was a terrible experience. There was a struggle. The bigger tools needed to come out because the roots of my tooth were very curved. Machines, scalpels, more Novocain… stitches… I closed my eyes and squeezed my own hands tight cause I felt myself beginning to panic. I wiggled my feet in a controlled way while beginning to sweat. I left my body a little bit so the work could continue and just be done eventually. I was told, and read online, that the pain and swelling resides in 3-4 days. I wasn’t prepared for how gross it is. The film over the wound, the blood, the taste of decaying food seeping out every now and then. The swelling went mostly way, but the pain has been ongoing. I think I am getting food trapped somewhere I can’t see. Maybe the part of my root canal that broke? My tongue gets scratched up as I try to clear out what I can. I use lots of Listerine, as the doc told me to. Ouch. The last couple of days I’ve been testing out using less pain killers to see where my pain level is. I have cut out the acetaminophen, but still on the heavy dose of ibuprofen unless I’m feeling down for chilling with the tight sharp pain on the left side of my face. It’s really distracting, gives me headaches. I think a big part of this experience being so unpleasant is that I wasn’t expecting to need so much time to heal. And I have been mostly alone everyday since the surgery. It’s hard to ask for help when you’re already feeling helpless. Physically, financially, and I’ve been struggling to eat well. I was really sad to be alone for so many days afterward. Been struggling with depression, big time.

My roommate informed me last week that he is moving in with his girlfriend in November. You read all of that other stuff up there, now I’m scrambling to find someone to take his place. I’m anxious because I searched for well over a year and a half to find affordable housing back here in MA. My cats were always a hurdle in that search. I’m worried a month and a half isn’t enough time to figure it out. What happens if there is no one lined up? Where does that $1,100 come from for November 1st? Do I get to be picky about who I live with? Will I have to move?

Student loan payments start up again in November. Winter is always the hardest time of year. Credit cards aren’t an option this time. I didn’t know the depths of my financial woes could go deeper. I thought it would be a gradual uphill path moving back to a place that appreciates the trades and where I already had connections. I’ve tried a lot of different moves to get my business name out where it’ll be seen. I’ve tried showing my face more on my business profile on instagram. Visibility is terrifying. I was inches away from taking a second job, but my painting work commitments at the time immediately blocked that opportunity. I think what I’ve come to understand about the way fascism works, people like myself are surely going to be negatively impacted while there are still others around who are closer in proximity to living the nuclear family model and not yet feeling the heat of the forest fire and may even see people like myself as lazy, or doing it wrong, or not trying hard enough. Still grinding under the pressures against them, but only having the eyes and bandwidth to care for their own families. Fingers tightly gripped onto their safety nets. How does a broke, non-binary, 30-something artist have audacity to be acknowledged in a time like now? So many people are willing to lose us for a false sense of security within their world. And in this lifetime, they may never know what it feels like to have every safety net pulled away, so long as they stay within the narrowing goal posts of rising costs of living, spoiled food, and water that’s not yet burned up by AI. I like how Phoebe Bridgers sings,

“And the government isn’t trying to kill you

they just don’t care if they kill you.”

It can be another way. I want to live to see more people believing that. I want to live to see how masses of people caring about the survival of other masses of people can shatter the pillars of capitalism. We could all be sharing the abundance of life that the earth provides when people stop hoarding resources for greed. No one wants to be a millionaire, cause everyone has what they need to maintain a calm nervous system. We’d all be so privileged to have such calm.

I’m letting myself feel the depression. About a month ago, I posted on IG stories that testosterone has made it more difficult for me to cry. I have noticed that, and it’s a common side effect. I said I miss being a crier. Well, the last few weeks gave me something to cry (a lot) about. And I know that I have struggled financially for years now. I know that my old safety nets have left me for various reasons. And I know that I deserve better. I’m just so tired. Letting myself be needy when I'm needy, sleeping, eating when I can, going to work. So when I have the energy, I try to make stuff. Get creative. Feel like me. Those are the tiny ways I hold onto hope. And I’m just going to keep doing that. Just, fuck, I don’t want isolation to be my norm anymore.