Choo-choo

If you know me even a tiny bit, you probably know that I love the Simpsons. Two years ago, I made my own version of a Valentine’s Day card that Ralph gave to Lisa when he had a crush on her. “I choo-choo-choose you.” I made this version, which is self-centered and sorta cynical. I remember where I was mentally and emotionally. Not much has changed, to be real. I still strive to take care of myself above falling into dynamics that place me in the role of a doormat so that I can receive love. However, in looking back at the connections I’ve made and my attempts at dating post-separation with my wife, I see that I have been a scared animal - I actually knew this all along. I am extremely picky about who I want to try dating, and even more picky about who I will be intimate with. It’s a hard thing to balance while I explore my sexuality as a trans person who doesn’t want to be used unless I want to be used (does that make sense?). And when I decide to lean in, all these other things come into play. When I feel romantic about someone and start picturing a future with them, I have hurdles. Any patterns I catch that resemble ways I’ve been hurt before, or any *projections* of painful cycles being prolonged into my future have resulted in me being pretty closed off, quick to end connections. I have a hard time trusting that people will hear and honor my needs within relationships. So I haven’t dated all that much. Solitude has been my safe place. And at the same time, I’m finding myself ready to let solitude and companionship coexist. I try to be direct about what I’m looking for and I hope for equal directness in return. But damn, that’s a hard ask. Because people are multi-dimensional and have their own histories they are making peace with. Life, growth, and healing are not linear paths. And honestly, my own attempts at being direct aren’t perfect. Two years ago, I was far from searching for a new “soulmate” or “my person.” I believe those ideas put walls around someone I envision being with, because who knows what the future holds. I want to be present with someone and curious about the future, open to the fluidity of closeness so that whoever I am seeing knows they are free to leave if they need to, and free to stay if they if that’s what they want.

But the trust thing. I’ve got to really work on that. When conflict arises, the screen in my mind plays out old situations, flooding out the image of someone who is NOT the old person from that old situation. I panic. I spiral. I distance myself. Sometimes I come back, but it’s never the same when I do. I earnestly hope that my own patterns are drawing me upwards and out, into a place where the old projections are no longer there, no longer the first images I see while looking into the eyes of someone I presently care about. That would be fairness. In choosing myself above abuse, I must be also choosing to *see* who I am presently looking at. And with that being said, my therapist set the topic for our next few sessions: finding the line between abuse and relational conflict. I am so curious and ready.

So here’s to me, learning to believe there is a future where my past doesn’t drop a screen between myself and people I have potential to grow with. And being honest and aware that this applies to all of my relationships.