Seasons

Since moving to Troy almost a year ago, I’ve had a rocky time getting my painting business off the ground. Word of mouth from close by relatives helped me stay afloat financially, and having the ability to schedule some projects from longtime clients in MA definitely helped, too. Traveling for work has proven to not be so practical, since I’ve got three cats to make sure are fed and snuggled while I’m away. While the promise of a paycheck is comforting, I’ve also noticed that being in certain areas of my old stomping grounds brings out some sadness in me that can last for weeks after I return to my new home. 

In the year leading up to my relocation, so much had changed in my life, I couldn’t find any sense of confidence in my career, even with as many years of experience as I have and even with the solid reputation I’d built with clientele. I was abandoned by some of my closest friends who I was reminded of on a daily basis, some of whom were my connection to certain clients. I couldn’t help but think about how all of my connections would crumble, so I let them if they were that weak. Mildly unpleasant interactions at work caused my inner critic to become loud at a time when I was already feeling more sensitive than ever. “What will people think about my pronouns?” “What about my name?” When I zoom out and look at it from above, I realize the anxiety I have about other people’s possible reactions to my coming out as trans has a lot to do with what I think about myself as a trans person. It also comes from how I’ve been treated already.

Where did the idea come from, that I should be ashamed of this part of me? I know the answer. 

I wish for a future where trans children are free to express themselves however they want without judgment, regulation, or shame. A future where they can grow up knowing that nobody forced them to into clothes or behaviors that don’t fit their sense of self, and people don’t meet them with hesitance or disgust.

It was a difficult winter for business, as winters usually are slow for painters. This one was especially hard because I had jobs fall through unexpectedly, I was ghosted by multiple hopeful connections, turned away after meeting and writing up estimates. Writing this is an outlet for receiving an email this morning declining a triple estimate I wrote. It’s a mystery as to what the reasons are for all of this failure, but I feel my therapy working as I battle that inner critic. Having just done my taxes, it’s fresh in mind that in 2022, my business made 1/3 income as it did in 2019.

From a place of all the hope I have left in me to survive, I admit that running this particular business is taking more than it is providing me. So, I am considering other paths. Seasons come and go, and Foxtail Painting just may have seen its brightest days already. I’m grateful for all of it.

This next season of life for me looks like fulfilling any outstanding commitments with my business while looking out and applying for other fitting lines of work. Transitioning takes shape in so many ways. Not a single human or being lives life without transition.