In late 2020, I joined a zoom book club. Committing to meeting with this group for 12 weeks was a little scary for me. The anticipation stirred up memories of old feelings, a mixture of the first day of school and preparing to pray in a small group at church. I can’t blame lockdown for my anxiety around meeting new people, even if it's through a screen. That long preceded the pandemic. The book was The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron and the group was formed by my friend, Mel. Prompts at the end of each chapter gave way for plenty to talk about amongst a group, and then some. One thing that Julia Cameron mandated for all readers is that everyone write “Morning Pages” every day. The idea was much like journaling, but with the intention of unloading all of your spinning thoughts onto paper before getting on with your daily routine, even if it wasn't cohesive. It was encouraged to write a nice letter to yourself, or write self-affirming notes. That’s where I discovered a problem. I had a really, really difficult time letting my stream of thoughts out onto paper because I was unable to write something kind to myself. It was almost as if something dark inside of me was sending hateful messages through my pen. My mind wanted me to know that I am a bully. And the scariest thing was - I realized that was my inner narrative all the time. For as long as I could remember. I always valued being viewed as a kind person, but I was not kind to myself. Not at all. It was so ingrained in me that I was surprised to learn that not everyone has this same experience.
From that moment, I began looking for connections in my past that may have led me to view myself so harshly, which sometimes showed up as self harm. I made many connections over the next year of my life. Childhood memories surfaced without warning at times, filling in blanks and sometimes bending me to tears. (So much crying.) With the help of my amazing therapist, I learned how to be kinder to myself. I learned that it’s crucial to my survival in this world to be on my own team. (Isn’t that obvious?) The easiest way to comprehend how I can be kind to myself is to think about the child I was, and to talk to that child in a way that they needed back then. “You are not a mistake. I love you."
One way that I am choosing to be kind to myself is by learning more about my basic needs. I’m beginning to care about my health. It turns out that planning to survive actually requires these things. And I now know that includes seeking gender affirming care. Realizing my transness over the last 2 years has been earth-shattering. I believe my old, ingrained beliefs around transgenderism (my internalized transphobia) caused me to think that everyone in my life would now be viewing me from my own lens that I have always used when looking at myself, and I couldn’t handle the judgment. I couldn’t handle MY judgment. I spent a lot of time in isolation and it seemed that my ability to socialize with others was further damaged. Giving myself grace and allowing myself to be slow as I navigate what I need is moving me forward. I have some close friends who have been receptive and amazingly supportive. Having people rooting for me energizes me in a way I haven’t known before, and I am so grateful for them.
I never knew it was possible for me to live a life that I dreamed about as kid. It finally clicked that seeking comfort in my body is not an act worthy of punishment. In this one body that my consciousness inhabits for this short time on earth, it is a human right for me to seek peace. That is why I am planning to get top surgery.
My name is Lyd. I am 33, non-binary, assigned female at birth (afab), pronouns are they/she/he, and I have three cats that equal my entire personality. I will make updates here periodically as I explore my unique experience with being trans. I’ve got my first appointment with a surgeon on January 5th, 2023.
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